Until It Hurts-Keri

Written 12.5.2007 by Keri D.

This might be a short one today. Only because this week has soaked up all my substantial thought. Although, every time I think I have little to say, much comes out. Bear with me...

Mother Teresa has been near and dear to my heart this week. Words that she has said have seemed to echo in the deep parts of me, resonating in my soul. While there are many things I would love to share with this tireless Saint, lately the only thing we've share is our fears and doubt. I believe the Holy Spirit taught Mother a lot about love. After all, she is the poster child for love and charity.

One thing Mother has said is to "love until it hurts". I've always agreed to that statement, yet it was more a challenge then something I could nod my head in understanding to.
But this week, I have loved until it hurt. Different situations begged for my attention, my care, my diligence. A lot of you had the same kind of week. A lot of you will know exactly what we mean. All of a sudden, grace becomes harder to extend. Hugs are stiff. Tears come easy. These famous words are now all too familiar. And not too comfortable, either.

I have to wonder, was this really what she meant? Simply...love until you're miserable? Here in this state I see that our petite, weathered lover was saying much more than four words.

Recently, some of Mother Teresa's private writings to her mentors were published (against her living wishes, might I add!). In these writings, she confesses all her fears, doubts, and regrets. In one breath she questions whether the Holy Spirit is real. Then in another breath she will be praising his name. One paragraph holds cries of a forsaken Saint, yet another is confident in her calling. Schizophrenic love affair. Sound familiar? (If not, open up to about the middle of your Bible and read a couple chapters of Psalms.)

Journalists have had a hay day with this. Actually I don't even know what the expression "hay day" means, but they have eaten it up, twisted it around, and in the process found some sort of joy in doing so. Mother Teresa has graced the cover of Time magazines numerous times, but this time it wasn't for her charity. It was for her doubt. The writer was using Mother's confessions to prove that her faith, love, and whole life was a fraud.

But isn't this our story too? Anyone else ever felt far from the Lord? Anyone else ever loved so hard you wonder why you love at all? I know I have. I know the Bible is full of people who have.

As much as I despise the fact that her private journals are now published and being chewed apart, they sure brought a heap of comfort to me. Mother Teresa doubted? The Saint of Love, radical, world changer, felt tired? Felt drained? Phew. I'm not crazy.

We talked Sunday about how the beauty of the gospel is that we can't be good enough. Somehow we form this belief that we must say the right thing, wear the right thing, eat the right thing...because that's what Jesus wants. But time and time again Jesus preaches a different message. He wants the broken. The tired. The dirty. He wants us! He wants me!

So, is Mother Teresa wanting us to love until it hurts and be satisfied because we have? I mean, that was the end of the quote. Love until it hurts. Period. But I think there's more to it. She was wise enough to get us started but let us figure out the end on our own.

Maybe I'm not making sense. You see, it's in this place of emptiness that we can't love anymore. We can't do it. See where I'm going? (Or, maybe, where Mother was going...) Jesus has to take over. I have to give up. What good is my love anyway compared to the matchless, unconditional love of Christ?

I've heard from many of you that are having fabulous weeks. The Lord has renewed your faith and breathed fresh life into your bones. It's a precious thing. Love until it hurts. Then give up, and you'll love some more. I've come to adore these places of frustration where Jesus so tenderly says "Sweetheart, I got it". Don't we all need that from time to time?

Let's remember the gospel this week. Keep the stories fresh in your mind. The adulteress free of condemnation. The tax collector at the dinner table. The murderer after God's own heart. He wanted them. He wants us.

Thank you, Jesus!

-Keri